Musings of a Kids Worker

It Takes A Whole Church to Raise A Child

2012-03-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I attended the Evangelical Alliance's council meeting, along with various others who have an interest or expertise in children's ministry. There were many excellent speakers too, who spoke with passion about their given subjects. Together, we were looking at the subject "It Takes A Whole Church to Raise A Child". (Do read Krish Kandiah's excellent article in Youthwork Magazine here, or get a copy of Christianity Magazine) If you are a twitterer, search for the hash tag #wholechurch where you should find lots of quotes from the speakers. Although, if my fellow attendees were like me, they were too busy listening and discussing to tweet, and not wanting to miss anything!

This is not a summary of the whole day - that would take a lot of blog entries! This is just about the part I had the privilege to play in the day.

As part of this, I was asked to prepare a 5 minute slot answering the question "Is Church Toxic to Our Children's Faith". Before any one complains that five minutes wasn't enough, I need to explain that this five minutes was to set the scene for further discussion - it wasn't a talk in it's own right as that wasn't what was needed. (It was also a good discipline for me to hone what I said and make every word count!)

As promised, this is a summary of what I said (Not word for word!):

Is church toxic to a child's faith? It was to people in my family, and that toxicity has gone on to affect them for many years. But I feel at this point, I should point that not every church is toxic to a child's faith.

Yes I do believe church can sometimes be toxic to children's faith!

Toxicity is often due to a combination of substances rather than just one, and in much the same way, I believe the problem of church being toxic to a child's faith is down to a combination of factors - but it's not always the same mix.

There will be a different recipe of toxins for each individual child - something that affects one child may not affect another and vice versa. But within that mix, that recipe, I believe there are a five constants - things that will affect the majority of children.

They are:

A lack of acceptance of and grace towards children in being fully part of the church, now, this minute. (It's not a case of waiting until children are 18)
A lack of opportunities for children to serve
A lack of a safe space for children to make mistakes and learn from them - as they serve, as they take their place in the church, whilst still being children (and we have to remember that they are still children and will be child like!)
A lack of vision - for both the child and the children's work.... Or even the wrong vision (how we see it/how we wanted it to be for us), rather than allowing God to put His vision into the work we do.
A lack of solid theology, taught in a child friendly way that takes into account the age and stage of the child; We often either give the children a twee theology (Tweeology) that only gives milk and no meat (wrongly assuming they can't manage meat), and doesn't stand up to the rough and tumble of school life, or we give a thuggish theology that gives so many rules that a child just cannot live up to them. All of this, when actually, we should be giving meat, cut up into child sized pieces - the right size for their stage of the faith journey.

We also have children with additional needs to think about, where the above toxins can be amplified/made more toxic just because many question their ability to have faith - but that's a whole new topic on it's own. These children can also have faith.

But - there is an antidote to the toxicity! (because I can't help putting a positive point in!)

ACCEPTANCE , LOVE, GUIDANCE and SIGNIFICANCE

In the discussion that followed - both in small groups and as a larger group it was said "that's the same for anyone walking into our churches". Yes - that's absolutely right! In this whole discussion, what we are talking about is 'community and family'. Not a group of children along side a group of adults, but integrated community.

Other comments and questions that came out of this section of the day we're numerous and helpful, including comments on how busy children are with their various activities and the difficulty of finding a night that churches can run clubs and activities.

It was also good to receive a question on the use of social media with children - something I may well blog on sometime on the future (including making it work from a safeguarding point of view). I do see a value in using social media in the right context. Youngsters who often won't open up and discuss what is bothering them will often publish it to the world of Facebook. It's a good way to find out what interests them and what matters to them, and then use that 'social media relationship' to build community with them within the church. To be able to ask a young person how an activity they mentioned on Facebook went, can add value and significance to a relationship.

We shouldn't be 'about' getting bottoms on seats on a Sunday morning, what we should be 'about' is building family and making our children feel valued and significant. That value shouldn't be based on how many times a child can make it to our activities - it should be based on the fact that our children are valued by and significant to God.

There was one thing that occurred to me whilst preparing for this (probably due to my dyslexia), and although I had it in my notes, I didn't have time to say it and 'unpack' it:

It takes a whole church to raise a child, but could it be said - it takes a "whole" child to raise a church?

I'll probably blog some more on what some of the other contributors said at a later date, but I think my favourite quote of the day came from David Niblock (Abundant Life Church, Bradford): "Don't put a lid on your children"

Church - God's Brilliant Idea #2

2012-02-29T12:58:00.000-08:00

Church is God's brilliant idea - but "The Church" is much more than just me or you. Church is made up of lots of people, and all play a vital part. This includes children - yes... Children!

Many times I hear the comment "The children are the church of tomorrow". In part - this is true, but I would argue that they are also a part of the church today, a part of the Church now - this very minute. They don't suddenly become part of the church when they turn 18.

A lot of what I want to say on this subject has already been eloquently written and discussed on Krish Kandiah's blog:
It takes a whole church… | krish kandiah and A Lost Generation? | krish kandiah

Do read these - and the many comments that have been left in response - they make enlightening reading!

Tomorrow, I will be in London with many of my friends and colleagues in children's work, meeting with the Evangelical Alliance council to discuss the exodus of young people from the church. I will be debating the question "Is church toxic to our children's faith?"
I'll publish my comments on it in a separate blog later - where I will comment more on the subject "God's Brilliant Idea Actually includes children".

Meanwhile - do pray for the meeting tomorrow, for discussion on the day, and ongoing discussions afterwards. Please pray that the day will have a lasting impact on children's work and the way "The Church" views and accepts children in the future.

Church: God’s Brilliant Idea #1

2012-02-01T01:59:00.000-08:00

Church is a brilliant idea - especially when it is working well. But is it working well for every one? Is it working well for children (A part of this brilliant idea from the day they are born)? Is it working well for those with disabilities? (Also part of this brilliant idea from the day they are born!) Is it working well for children with disabilities?

Over the next few days I’m going to give some thoughts and ideas about this - and I am going to endeavour to be positive and supportive whilst I do it.

Working with Spring Harvest, I’ve had access to the brilliant theme material for the 2012 event “Church Actually”. Many of my friends there are tweeting with the hash tag #GodsBrilliantIdea. That is what has given me the title of this series of blogs, and it is one that hopefully will give a positive and healthy view of kids and disability, rather than falling into the temptation to constantly berate and knock ‘The Church’ in what it does or does not do for children or those with disabilities.

Recently I put a comment and a question on twitter about the church caring for those with disabilities - and deliberately made it very negative. I wanted a response! My positive ones rarely get a response, so I thought negative might. I wanted comments to help me write these blogs, but sadly - still no comments!!

Let me introduce you to a group of people who call themselves “Churches for All”. I’m part of this group as an associate (Representing Children Worldwide).

It is a partnership of UK Christian disability organisations.

Their aim is to help churches create and sustain an environment where disabled people can participate fully in church life for the benefit of all. Disabled people are involved in the leadership of Churches for All and many of its partner and associate organisations.

Together, they strive to equip churches to reach towards their full potential by truly including disabled people.

'Churches for All' has a passion to see every one being a part of ‘God’s Brilliant Idea’. We advise, we look at how to raise awareness, we shout about inclusion until we are hoarse (Metaphorically speaking of course!) We even do conferences and forums looking at the theology of disability.

For many of us associated with this wonderful group of people it costs us. It costs us time, money, difficulty in traveling to meetings and a lot of emotional energy. Churches for All has no money either - it’s difficult to get funding for something like this! The partner organisations who are part of this group, put in money they can’t afford to keep it going.

So why do we do it? Because we believe that Church is God’s Brilliant idea, and that Church is so much poorer if it doesn’t have disabled people in it.

As a Children’s worker I feel Church is all the poorer for not having children in it too - and even poorer if they don’t have children with disabilities.

Problem or Purpose & Potential?

2012-01-27T04:24:00.000-08:00

Ok - I’m a kid’s worker and I believe in evangelism amongst children. I have a passion to see ALL kids responding to God and growing in faith.

But when we think of evangelism and work with kids, where do those with disabilities and special needs fit in? Are they even part of our thinking when we write our evangelism plans and goals? It is sad that in many churches, children in general are not part of the official outreach programme, but children with special needs and disabilities? Well…….

When we think special Needs and disability, are we tempted to see the problems? Or can we see beyond potential difficulties and see firstly, a child and then the potential for faith and a life lived with God?

It is always a temptation to not see the child, but the diagnosis instead. We’re tempted to recruit people to a problem that needs sorting out rather than asking people to catch the vision for enabling this child to be everything they can be in Christ.

When I run training days, I find people want me to fix the “problem” with a quick fix or a bandage. It takes a long time to shift the focus from ‘problem’ to ‘purpose and potential’

Let’s be realistic here - usually, the only children with disabilities in our children’s work are those whose families are already part of the church family. Our mid week clubs have children with special needs who come from families on the edge of church. With both of these groups - we struggle, so how on earth can we cope with bringing more in? (Rhetorical question!)

As a teenager, and for many years after I worked on a summer camp for children with physical disabilities - I loved it! Many children came to know Jesus in a very real way, but…… Where could they go after camp? For a child with severe cerebral palsy, whose parents don’t want to go to church - how do we get them there, and how do we keep them there? In rare cases - we managed it, but as a rule, we didn’t.

I’m still in touch with these ‘kids’ - many of whom are now adults. They don’t follow God, some are into “crystals” (One even has an advanced degree in the use of them!) My heart breaks!!!

So who is reaching out to the disabled and vulnerable kids in our communities?

I’ve already been ‘realistic’ - now I’m going to be brutally honest…… Many of these children have short lives - I’ve been to far too many funerals! Happily, some of those have been for children still walking with God and a huge witness to their friends, but equally - there are so many more who are not in relationship with Christ. These kids have less time to hear the Gospel than others - the need is urgent!

We believe in the Gospel, we believe in spreading it, but do we believe in taking it to some of the most vulnerable kids in our communities - is “The Church” brave enough to step up to the challenge?

It's Good To Be Shy!

2012-01-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

Many Children’s workers are either introverts, or shy, or very reserved…. Or any combination of the three - and I think this is good.

So why do folk always think that children’s workers are extroverts?

It’s strange really. Many may feel comfortable working in front of the children they serve, which is why people mistake them for extroverts - but put them infront of anyone else….. Uh oh!

I’ve met lots of children’s workers over my 20+ years as a kids worker, and the introverts far outnumber the extroverts.

Tools for disguising this introverted and shy nature are many: Learning how to use a puppet is one - you can hide behind a puppet. Being a good actor is also good - you can act as though you are confident! Being a good musician or good at leading action songs is also great for fooling people that you are an extrovert!

A few of these children’s workers have broken the mold….slightly….. by starting to blog about things. Blogging is easier than talking face to face, and is another good tool for tricking people into thinking they are extroverts!

They rarely fight for themselves - but fight ferociously for the children. They feel uncomfortable talking about themselves - but are more than happy to talk about the kids! They don’t rate themselves as important - but think children’s work is vital. Being able to talk about their passion for kids work is easy - but only with their peers who are also children’s workers…..

They won’t say what they think or give an opinion, because they assume people don’t want to know. And that’s a shame - because they have much to say that is good and helpful.

But I believe it’s good to be a shy, reserved introvert. Why? You're more likely to rely on God, and you get along side the kids that would normally get overlooked because they are also quiet and reserved.

Me? Well, yes - I’m also one of the shy, reserved introverts. But I’ve managed to fool most people over the last 20 years! And yes, like others, because I don’t say an awful lot most of the time, people assume I don’t have much to say at all……… But I do…… :o)

God's Will.....?

2012-01-06T04:49:00.000-08:00

I was really uncomfortable with something my daily devotional said today. It’s something I’ve questioned and studied for a long time - a constant irritant in my normally unquestioning faith.

The comment in this devotional was tackling quite a big issue that cannot really be tackled in a few paragraphs, so I may be judging it unfairly.

The writer was looking at verses in Genesis 50, including: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good so that others might be saved."

The writer goes on to talk about what God “intends” from problems and suffering: “From the beginning, God calculated for Joseph to experience all these things. Why? For the salvation of others.” The writer later goes on to say “Your problems have more purpose than you can imagine. Not because God merely used bad things, but because God intended them so that others might be brought to Jesus through your example.”

I struggle with this statement on many levels - both as a children’s worker who works with kids with disabilities, additional needs and difficult family backgrounds, but also with my own background too. Many children, young people and families are asking these questions, and I feel I need to have wrestled with it myself so I can help in the discussion.

There are many thoughts on God’s will. Two of them are: “Permissive Will” (Allows things - even though it’s sin) and “Directive Will” (God’s calling for your life - not as common as most would like.) There are quite a few other ones too. Look at http://bit.ly/dgOSES, as this gives some very helpful pointers on what people think about the will of God.

My starting point in looking at these questions is always the Bible, and the subject matter has to be myself - It’s difficult to talk to others about things like this unless I can show I’ve struggled with the question too. (Caveat time: You don’t have to have suffered to answer these questions, but showing you have given serious thought to it is helpful!)

I am alive on this planet because a church youth worker abused my birth mother - a horrible story in itself. Those who believe in the argument set out above would say I fit this verse to a T - out of an awful situation, came a children’s evangelist who may not have been here otherwise. Now, I believe God can redeem an awful situation, but can we really say that in reality God intended my birth mother to be abused? Personally, I don’t think so. But God has definitely redeemed the situation. As I talk to children who are survivors of abuse - the idea that God intended it is a harsh and dangerous one.

I also have a disability - but I can see God at work through it. Would I rather not be in constant pain? Well, yes! But the key issue here is not the pain, but my reaction to it and my relationship with God. Children with disabilities struggle with the idea that God intended their body to be one that doesn’t work properly - just as they struggle with the other side of the coin that they don’t have enough faith to be healed. We need to be very careful with our thoughts and theology here too!

In the last few years I have lost two female friends to suicide and another in the Australian bush fires, and in that time I have really struggled with people’s comments and prayers surrounding their deaths. In one prayer meeting I heard a person pray “God, we know you have ordained this in your perfect plan, and we don’t understand it….” Too right I don’t understand - but it was the prayer I didn’t understand. But many people believe this point of view, without actually thinking it all the way through to it’s conclusion. The grief was huge, but the idea that my loving heavenly Father may have “ordained this, made the grief so much greater - was it really God’s purpose to allow three families to be left without a wife and a mother…. And one father without his kids too? (My friend’s sons were also killed in the Australian fires). There are many grieving children out there, trying to piece together shattered lives after the loss of a loved one - how do we help them to understand these things?

It would be so easy to damage these precious kids with badly thought out and poorly explained theology. Where ever you stand in this debate - care needs to be taken.

My personal position lies smack bang in the middle of all the discussions on these things. I hope and I pray I can help children and young people who are facing suffering, plus their families, to go on believing in a loving God. I hope I can encouraging them to use what is happening to them to grow in their relationship with God.

My faith and life journey, I believe, are more to do with my relationship with an amazing God than what God can do for me.

Theology versus ‘Tweeology’ and ‘Thugology’

2011-12-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

What do we think of when we mention theology and teaching children together in the same breath? There are many schools of thought on this. On one end of the scale there are those who say “Jesus loves you and that’s all you need to know”. They believe children don’t need theological discussions at their age - just let them enjoy everything God can give.” At the other end of the scale are those who want to give the kids every theological point in every children’s talk, and teach Biblical truths in a way the children cannot understand or are upset by. Only last year I heard of a leader who told children that they are enemies of God and they must repent to put it right. The theology was correct - but the way it was taught for the age and stage of these mainly unchurched children was completely over the top.

Neither of these ends of the scale is good. The first is what I call “tweeology” - warm and fuzzy with no substance. The latter I call thugology. It is also dangerous and can damage children in it’s delivery. I believe there is a case for teaching our kids good theology, in a way that they can understand, that prepares them for living in the real world as they grow physically, emotionally and spiritually.

In saying I want good theology for our children I am aware that some might think I just want to hammer Biblical truths into their heads. This is not the case. I come from a church background where I was taught how bad I was and very little about the love of God. My brother was held up as an example of what not to be to his peers, because he dared to go against the man made rules of the church (He left the ‘Church’ for good - not surprisingly.) It’s worth noting here that I no longer attend that particular flavour of church! My heart’s cry for kids is for them to have solid teaching - no tweeology, but no thugology either!

1 Peter 3:15 says:

……. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.……….

My questions are : Can our children and teenagers do that? Can many of our young leaders do that? And if they can, can they do it in a way that doesn’t appear thug like to the person they are telling?

We spend a lot of time looking at the theology of children – and that is great, but how much time do we spend on making sure we are teaching good theology to our children? Because I perceive “tweeology” to be the greater issue here, this will be what I spend the most time discussing.

I believe, that in an effort to make things accessible and politically correct for the children, in many cases all we have succeeded in doing is watering down vital parts of the gospel.

Over the last 10 or more years I have been told over and over again that we should not use the term “Father” when talking about God because we may upset those who, for whatever reason don’t have a Father. I firmly believe that we have done the children a huge disservice in teaching like this. Having been in children’s work for over 21 years, I have the pleasure of talking to young adults who have grown through this style of teaching. Those people where the Fatherhood of God was taught sensitively and well, say that being taught about God being their Father was their “saving grace”. The knowledge that God was the best dad ever, even when their own dad wasn’t around, helped them to grow in their faith with confidence. Those who had this vital piece of teaching withheld – for all the best reasons, often still struggle with relating to God in the intimate way that a father and child should relate. I know of two children’s workers who didn’t have a father at home, and both would agree with this. One was taught about Father God and one wasn’t. The one that wasn’t regrets the fact that he wasn’t taught this, and has spent many years trying to relearn how he can relate to God as father. The one that was taught about God as Father says this was what brought him to God and stopped him from slipping away again - in his words “It’s what saved me” Both teach about a loving Father God where ever they go.

Within that frame work of teaching, we have correctly tried to find a way of teaching about God’s love and Jesus’ death by teaching that God/Jesus is our “special friend” or a “friend that doesn’t fall out with us”. I would like to ask; when do we move the children on from this aspect of God and teach

them more? Being such an ancient Kids worker, I now have the children who were first taught in this way coming through as leaders, and find that many of them still have only that basic understanding of Jesus as friend. They have no realisation of redemption, forgiveness, and sanctification. (Yes I know they are big words!)

The knowledge that God loves them is a vital component in the teaching of children, and a good premise to start from. But sometimes we shy away from all the amazing truths surrounding this fact - the “what” “why” and “how” of that love. We think that we can teach the finer points later, only to find that later never comes. Conversely, going to the other end of the scale (The one my sunday school started from!) and start with the idea of being just a worm, sunk in the depths of depravity with an urgent need for repentance is not helpful either! Yes - repentance is necessary, but so is gentleness!

As the leaders who have only been taught the “Jesus loves me and that’s all I need to know” tweeology have grown into adulthood, they believe that they “chose to follow God”, whereas in reality – God chose them. Their faith is based on how God makes them feel, not on the reality of repentance, redemption, sanctification or even forgiveness. They often have no understanding of who they are in Christ. The true realisation that they have authority and have been forgiven has not been fully understood. Not knowing the full extent of God’s love has had huge implications in their Christian walk and is bourn out by the fact that I spend a lot of time counseling children’s workers about self image, guilt and assurance. If you don’t know the truth, then the devil’s lies are harder to refute! But we are expecting them to teach the truth to our children….

Like the Fatherhood of God issue, I believe our children are again being robbed of a true and full relationship with God by teaching in a tweeology or thugology way.

Children can understand these big theological issues using the right teaching techniques. We often teach children aged 5 -7 years old and have been amazed and humbled at their understanding when we have taught them. One young lady showed her understanding of sanctification by saying “I’ve already got Jesus in my heart - how can I get him in further?’ A prayer on a prayer wall showed how a child had understood repentance “Dear God, I am so so so so so so sorry”. I must note here that we don’t go heavy on the “degenerate little sinner” idea with the children - we just point out what stops us being really good friends with God - and that Jesus can be our rescuer.

As a child I was given the passage about the whole armour of God to learn off by heart, but no one taught me that these were my tools, given to me to use, always at my disposal. How much more could we give our kids if we together physically put each item on - explaining what protection each item gives! I have an amazing picture in my mind of a very small five year old holding a full sized sword, and then having it swapped for a Bible whilst being told that the Bible was even more powerful. The look on her face as she held that Bible and the realisation hit her was awesome.

We do a simple puppet sketch on justification where another character in the story takes the blame for something the puppet has done. In brief, the story closes with the character who has taken the blame saying to the puppet who fears they will get punished now others know; “It’s ok, I’ve already done the punishment - you won’t have to. Say sorry and mean it, and then say thankyou - and mean it!” The day after we did this and told the children to share the story with their parents for discussion, a parent approached us saying “could I speak to you for a moment”. Our heart always sinks when we hear those words, but this time we were greatly encouraged as he said “ yesterday I spent a whole hour in a seminar wrestling with the theology of justification. Afterwards my daughter taught me in five minutes, using words she could understand what justification is - and she was taught it by a large white rabbit! Thankyou!”

It is often those people who have only have a basic understanding of their faith who are now responsible for teaching the next generation. I hear stories mis-told, vital facts left out or misquoted, passages taken out of context and misunderstood. The greater issue is that of tweeology with these leaders. But on the other side, those who have been taught heavy theology without the balance of love and a true understanding of who they are in Christ are hammering the children either into a fearful relationship with God or out of the church completely.

In the distant past, revivals have begun with a young child claiming that people need to repent – do our children even know what this means now?

From knowing true forgiveness there flows the knowledge of no more condemnation, the ability to forgive and accept forgiveness, and the assurance of heaven.

As our children grow physically – we move them from milk to soft food to meat. Every parent will know that when a child is faced with a huge chunk of meat – we lean over and cut it up for them – we don’t take it away and give them a sloppy milk meal instead.

I’m all for teaching the gospel in an understandable way, but we do need to make sure that we start adding meat – by cutting it up, not mushing it up!

In Latvia, where I see the full message of God’s love and sacrifice taught, and leaders who don’t shy away from teaching all of God’s truth, I find young men and women who are secure and unwavering in their faith. Coming to faith is called “repentance” there, and that phrase is explained clearly. I see young people studying God’s word, fasting and praying, expecting great things from God and seeing them happen.

No, it isn’t all perfect over there – but God is moving! And I believe the fact that the children are given the full truth – cut into little pieces – is part of the reason why.

The Bible states in John 8:32:

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Let’s set our children free!

Who Choses Who Can Serve?

2011-11-30T19:32:00.000-08:00

I was talking to the parent of a child who is diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum a few weeks ago. I asked her what her hopes and dreams were for him. One of the things she highlighted was “being given the opportunity to serve”. This particular little boy is very intelligent, has an amazing understanding of theology, and can explain it. And in a way that probably only he and God can understand, he has a real faith.

It does seem that in our churches, children are rarely given the opportunity to serve their church families – but for those who have a disability or additional need, the chance to serve is even rarer.

The mum I was talking to said that she would love to see her little boy’s Sunday teachers give him the opportunity to give out the biscuits, pour the squash, put away the chairs. Yes, he would need a little help, but it would do his self esteem a lot of good.

Another parent I spoke to was the mum of a teenager, also diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum. She thought a little differently. He was struggling to maintain his faith journey. He had a good understanding of his Bible, but needed fellowship. It was a much longer conversation, but it ended up with me suggesting he would be able to not only attend a bible study designed for those with his special needs, but he was more than capable of leading it himself. This idea was obviously a step too far for his mum. But why?

Who decides who can serve in our church families? I myself have a disability, and will rarely say how things are for me. This is because I know there will be someone who will wrongly assume that I am unable to continue my ministry because of it. This is obviously NOT the case. The only thing that sometimes stands in my way are issues of physical access.

Churches are doing better when it comes to ramps, accessible toilets, and lifts. But another ‘step’ to accessibility could be giving both children and grown ups who have disabilities or additional needs the chance to serve. Yes it’s scary, but it will also be a blessing.